The Paradox

Be a man. Don't be that kind of man.

Be a man. 
Don’t be that kind of man.

In a recent interview, a man told me, “What if we could just be who we are?”

And the honest truth is, I cringed inside.
His wife standing next to him, recoiled.

I noticed this and in my commitment to this work, I shared with him vulnerably, because he had been so vulnerable to share what he said…so I took a deep breath and I said softly, ”when I hear you say that, I feel myself reacting.  I am afraid that for you to “be who you are”, it means taking from me to get what you want, or stepping on me to get where you want to be.” 

He looked utterly shocked. 
“No. Not at all.  I just want to be the man that I am.”  

And I knew he meant it…and that he was utterly baffled on how to be the man he is, and not hurt women, because that is not his intent, nor his desire, nor his need.

I am willing to bet there are millions of men like this one - who want to be the man they are…with no intent to hurt women or anyone else for that matter, and just don’t know what the rules are so they can gain acceptance.

Genetically, women and men are not that different.  In fact, we are 99.9% identical.  The differences lie in the sex chromosomes that carry differentiating information, with women having 2 ‘X’ chromosomes and men having one ‘X’ and one ‘Y’ chromosome with much less genetic information than that which is carried on the ‘X’ chromosome.  Yet somewhere inside that ‘Y’ chromosome exists a myriad of urges that men have, that women will never understand.  “Basic”

“Primal” 

“Simple” is how men have been characterized when it comes to what makes a man, and yet, there is something in them that desperately needs to be what they are.  

When I ask men to describe this to me, they really can’t.  The best analogy I have been given so far, is what it feels like to be a man when it unlocks for them, is like what it feels like for a woman who suddenly yearns to be a mother.  They didn’t ask for it.  It calls them.

The words they describe it with are: protect, cultivate, home, and power.  

And really, what woman doesn’t want this from a committed partner?  

Meanwhile, in modern day society, men are told to not be men. 
To soften, and be vulnerable, non-violent, absolutely not aggressive.  

And really, what woman doesn’t want this?

Truth be told, women want it all and the data is supporting it.  Women want to run the board room, earn more, be CEO, voted POTUS, and be protected and provided for by nurturing strong and confident highly educated and high earning men.

In a recent study women demonstrated that they will choose men who can provide better than they can, even when they are more educated or equally educated as their partners.  In a world where women are outpacing men by 15 points in college enrollment and grabbing the majority of the advanced degrees, this is leaving a glut of men “unqualified” to be preferred by women.  Yet biology persists.  And birth rate is at an all time low, signaling less men are preferred by women. And we are left to understand how to move forward in a paradox where we don’t want the men to be who they are, but we still want them to be men.

To men everywhere, I apologize. 
Let’s try to figure this out, together.